Bewitched, Bothered and Belated

The finale kicks off with a bunch of fireworks. Sam and Julia have insaneo hats on. Yesss. There is some ethnopop going on, minus the pop. In the background is a whole bunch of people wearing white (DRINK!) and fedoras (DRINK!) there’s Sweden inspired fake snow, people on wires and their outfits have glow in the dark piping. This is effin’ awesome. The Olympics opening ceremony has nothing on this. Some ladies come out to do calm dancing and then a dude with a glow in the dark flashing pink drum comes out and a bunch of other dudes do flashing drumming, then some dudes dressed in black fancy coats do some spin dancing and bouncing. It’s all going nuts right now. I am pretty thrilled by all of this and completely ignoring my kid who kicked a bookcase and is trying to get a mum hug off me. The lead black dress dude has a fierce moustache goatee.

The Mrs Robinson duo are singing their song while two dancers spin above them on wires. Mrs Robinson is wearing a white and silver dress that barely covers her butt cheeks. Europickering is rocking his exact same facial expression I’ve seen on him for the past three nights.

Spanx and Dommi welcome us, both wearing white, because it’s Eurovision and why not. People having drinking games must already be hammered and we haven’t seen a single competition entry yet.

They are showing us how they built their hall that they are currently in, while Sam complains that his mum can’t find a plumber. I’m amazed such a pretty piece of land hasn’t had something like this on it before. They explain it’s a German design, which must be why it reminds me of the soccer stadium inMunich.

They just gave a special thank you toAustraliaandNew Zealandfor being obsessed with their weird song contest, though Sam is a bit sad that we needed to share our thank you withNew Zealand. Hee hee.

United Kingdom is first. I haven’t seen their entry yet so let’s see what’s going on. Englebert Humperdinct is their singer… that’s… that’s a pretty big effort! Love will set you free by Engleberg Humperdinct. I think he’s got a sitar player in the background there. This feels like a really old fashioned cabaret piece. I am expecting Kerrie Ann Kennelly to show up soon. He’s dressed like Johnny Cash all in black, just singing his song. Oh here we go. There’s two modern dancers dressed in black in the background doing like, dancing and stuff. This is pretty minimalist for England, as they normally go for stupid, uncomplicated pop music. Key change and now there is a waterfall of firework sparks falling down at the back of the stage. It’s pretty rad looking. Jedward will be furious. Daisy wheel fireworks too. Sam clarifies that it’s the real Englebert and not a hologram. Hee hee!

Hungary is up next. I can’t even remember these dudes, I think it was a fireworks boy band. The singer is wearing a leather suit. Pretty sure I’d have remembered a leather suit. This is quite a good song just as a song by the way. It’s in English so I can even tell what it’s about. It’s another dark stage with everyone wearing black though. I like it when people go a bit more nuts than this, though the singer and a guitarist have both started working the runway which is a good touch. And the boy band fire jets just kicked off, reassuring us that this is a classic Eurovision entry of this type.

It’s funny, even though I’ve seen 20 of the 26 acts already, they just seem better tonight. Everything is MORE on the final night. I am so excited right now.

The Albanian hair tailed shouting lady is up next. She is back in her vinyl dress with blue curtains and the hair tail is even more distinctive tonight. She’s still upset about whatever she was upset about a couple of nights ago. She kind of reminds me of that blue haired opera singer from The Sixth Element in that you can’t understand a word she’s saying and her hair is mad but she’s quite captivating. She’s got the fog machine going as she shouts out how upset she is about what she’s upset about. I feel like though even though she’s pretty distraught right now if we went out for a drink she’d probably cheer up a fair bit. I think she’s just picking at old wounds now for the public.

EEEE!! It’sLithuanianext! I’m so excited to see this kid again because he’s great. This is the blindfolded Michael Jackson kid. He’s got his crystal encrusted blindfold on again. He is still not wearing a tie which is a shame because he’s wearing a collared shirt that’s clearly designed for one. Maybe his blindfold is his tie and this is all on purpose? I want to see the Icelandic dude who can’t do up ties wearing a diamond encrusted tie just to show up Donny Mattell. Here he goes, nailing his Michael Jackson air guitar moves. I love this kid, seriously, he looks like a young Edward Norton but dances like MJ. He’s a darling. His song has ‘you’ in it a lot too which is great because he says ‘you’ in that weird way that European people pronounce you like ‘yooooh’.

It’s theBosnialady next who I am really surprised made it to the final. She is the one with the piano and the giant shoulder dinner plates. This song sounds like it should be on an anime soundtrack. It’s quite tender and such, and there’s piano and tender music. She still looks too old to be doing this in a dress that’s not quite mad enough to be a mad dress and not quite normal enough to be a power ballad dress. I really can’t get behind the Bosnian Herzegovinian lady.

They are doing backstage interviews. Julia is talking to the Swedish girl and Sam is talking to a girl with blue hair. I think she must be from one of the big five countries as I don’t recognise the blue haired girl. The Swedish girl must be part Indonesian as she just said ‘Good morning’ and a bunch of other stuff in Bahasa Indonesia which apparently involved buying chicken in a market. Sam just got brother zoned by the blue girl. She’s fromItaly!

NANNNAAAAAS.Russiais on now. Come on girls, bring it home. The disco oven is out. It’s got smoke coming out of it which I don’t remember from the other night and looks great. This is such a catchy song, seriously. Come on and dance! Boom boom! They just did a close up on the dance oven which has red lights inside it to show it’s a wood fired dance oven. That’s an excellent touch. Come and dance, party for everybody! This ladies are killing it. Happiest nannas ever. Oh no, they forgot the pies in the dance oven!! Quick nannas! The oldest nanna to not be a corpse has the pies, all is saved. Party for everybody again. Boom boom boom boom! Epic. Utterly epic.

Iceland is up next. I am keen to see if this guy has a tie on properly tonight Nope! It’s still stuck up all awkwardly. Is this just how they do it in Europe? I don’t feel like this is a normal way to have a tie put on. Their song is one of those songs with a story to it and the blonde lady is so genuine with her violin and her arm waving and smiling. I think Iceland can be proud of this entry but it’s just not bonkers enough for me. Her hair is gorgeous and she’s got the magic wind machine out while she plays her violin. They are holding hands right now and it seems sweet and not creepy like when Azerbaijan’s Mrs Robinson couple do it.

TheCyprusbridesmaids are up next. The outfits of her backup dancer bridesmaids are still mad. They are superwomen of some sort because they manage to hold her up between them every now and then, while in their giant stilettos and knee high socks. She really looks like she’s having fun on stage, much like Donny fromLithuanialooks. I like it when people seem to just be having a great time, regardless of whether they win or not. Some people take it massively seriously as a competition and some people just go all out and hope for the best afterwards. She’s feeling herself up on her book stage while I ponder this. Go Ivi! The wind machine is out, she’s feeling the energy, just between her and I. This is another club anthem type song. Quite catchy.

France is next. I’ve been looking forward to this as it doesn’t look like it’s going to be a quiet, dull song. WHAT. Apparently it’ll be in French AND English?? Whaaaaat. But… but!! Je sacrilege! OH HELLO. Topless dancing backflip boys. There’s boxes, a pop princess singing a Cher sort of dance anthem. She is rocking it in a golden bodice thing while French male gymnasts be all muscely around her. She seriously just sang in English which I never thought I’d see France do ever. She is a total superstar. I am loving this lady. I never like the French entries but this is fabulous. I genuinely want her to win with this. Her gymnasts are carrying her around. Did I mention they are dressed in white with French flag stripes? (DRINK!) OH goodness!! The wind machine just blew up her dress which is swirling around like Princess Queen of the Desert style and I can see her golden knickers. This is SO Eurovision SO amazing. Julia calls it on the Pricilla work! I know right Julia?? She says that’s the closest France will get to winning. I know right???

Nina fromItalyis next. We’re starting with a bit of brass instrument work. Oh okay she’s rocking a beehive and singing a song that’s half Amy Winehouse half Kimbra. She’s tall and beautiful and wearing a silver skin tight number. She’s just singing behind her microphone, not doing anything weird as yet. Also no wind machine but it’s just as well because her hair looks super hairsprayed on. This is quite a listen-toable song and I feel like they’ve made a genuine effort tonight here in her. She’s taking her mic for a walk, she’s just two feet on the runway! She just mimed a gunshot at the amera. I have to say her shoes are incredible. They are a deep red that I want our next car to be and massively high stilettos.

The Estonian dude with a mental accent is up next. Sam has confirmed for us that his vest is in fact a vest and not a waistcoat. Thanks Sam. This has not been weighing on me as much as wanting to know how the wind machine works but okay. This is a pretty simple performance so there’s not much to say tonight that I didn’t say last time. He’s singing, his backup singer is wearing a white dress again (DRINK!) and he’s very pretty. Is he the guy with the weak moustache? If so it’s grown into a weak moustache with a bit of manscaped stubble. It looks pretty hot.

Norway up next with their Taylor Lautner dance track. Julia points out that most of the songs aren’t sexy tonight but this one is. It’s true, it’s been a lot less slutty tonight than it normally is, especially with the ladies. He’s got that ponytail trophy in his back pocket again. Sam why didn’t you investigate this for us instead of worrying about the vest? I was about to say ‘You know I reckon this could work in a Bollywood film’ and they just broke out some Bollywood hand arm waggling dancing. Okay then! I think the hair trophy is part of a belt. A serial killer trophy belt. He is ridiculously pretty, this boy. The boys are a lot prettier than the ladies this year.

Azerbaijan is up next. Wearing white again! (DRINK) There’s a woman in a white dress with feathers and sequins with her hair out which suggests a bit of wind machine action later. She appears to have learned from Iris’ mistake the other night and we can’t see through her dress. There are back-up singers flapping their flappy dresses in the background but we can hardly see them in their darkened spot. This is a pretty decent song. It’s a power ballad obviously. Her dress just got awesomer as they are lighting it as a screen. Petals just flew up it and now it’s glowing red with a little dragon thing going on. This is a brilliant mad dress, loving it. This song sounds like a Bond song. Oh she’s been hiding a cape back there this whole time, which she’s flapping around. If this wasn’t the MJ Tribute Year it would be Year of the Lady Sheets.

Romania are up next, which are the people with the moonwalking bagpiper. Here he comes! Oh dear, she’s gone a little overboard with the bronzer tonight. She looked a lot prettier the other night. She’s still wearing her lingerie with some cloth over the top and there are still dudes in white outfits (DRINK) with their red instruments. The fire and fireworks are going nuts while she bounces around though she hasn’t sat on the drum at all. Hrm. Oh wow, got through the whole song without the drum sit. Hrm.

Denmark is back still without themed outfits and the couch is a chair tonight. Maybe it was a chair last time, but I’m pretty sure it was a couch. I still really like this song as a song but don’t feel like Eurovision is the place for this one. We’ve decided the singer is a cross between Jewel and the girl who played Hannah, Logan’s temporary girlfriend in Veronica Mars. Still disjointed, still looks like a casual jam session, but still adorable.

Greece is next. I hope she’s upgraded her shirt to a dress tonight. Nope, she’s still in her shirt and we just saw her knickers. They are white, which means France has already beaten her. Her giant hair is going all giant but she hasn’t hit the wind machine just yet. To give you an idea of how thought provoking this song is a lyric was ‘You make me dance like a maniac, you make me want your aphrodisiac’. Is that like the new word for disco stick? One of her backup dancers is gyrating around her. This is about as slutty as Eurovision gets this year and she’s pretty committed to it so good on her.

Sweden is up now. I’m going to see if I can spot the ninja beforehand this time. Sam is outing her as ‘loving the buffet’ because she’s at the same hotel as them. Saaaam, some things that happen in Baku should stay in Baku. Wind machine out at the start. The crowd is already amped up and clapping along. They love this song. She’s still in her ninja hiding jumpsuit. Pretty sure she just grabbed her boobs when she sang ‘Up up up’. Ninja is definitely not behind her, they just did a round shot. She is also definitely not wearing shoes. Thomas Janeing it! Where are you ninja? Aaaand snow! Still no ninja… THERE! They just did a close up on her face, so I think that’s how he snuck in.

Hey, Charlie is here! Hi Charlie. I mean…. Europickering. He is introducing the very first Eurovision winner who is a million years old and looks it.

I just introducedTurkeyto my husband as ‘the boat people’. Ohhh, awkward! I should probably not call them that again. Boy band leather sailor dude is singing about sailing with his boat people behind him. I hadn’t noticed this earlier but their background is all anchors and steering wheels. There’s even a lighthouse, it’s quite cute. A bit Modest Mouse – Dashboard without the guitar amputations. Youtube it, it’s fine, we’ll wait. Can I just say that the Turkish boy might have tickets on himself but he’s a fairly awful dancer. Fortunately he has his boat dudes to cover for him.

Spain is up next. Julia cautions us that this is a slow burn Celine Dion song. White dress! (DRINK). It’s see through! (DRINK?) She’s got her hair all up in a bun but I think I spot a bit of cape action out back so there could still be an opportunity for a wind machine. She looks sad, which is understandable because she’s Spanish and it must suck to be Spanish at the moment. She’s really belting it out but I think she’s still way out of the league of Italy and France at this point, not to mention that Macedonian woman who killed it last night. WIND MACHINE KEY CHANGE!! She really is trying hard, good for her.

Germany is up next. Sam says he’s been described as Lena with a beard. And a beanie. Hahaha! Apparently he started alone but they’ve given him a band for the final. He is quite pretty in his beanie and he’s singing in English. Yep, band in the back. I will always back Germany to the hilt so it’s hard to tell whether I can assess this without bias but this is a pretty good song! It’s no Satellites but it’s pretty sweet. I’m not sure this guy has the charisma to beat out the likes of Lithuania and Estonia but he’s doing well.

Malta next. The front flipping MC people. Epilogue to Sam’s speculation last night that the ex-flight attendant who is the lead singer for this one might remember his safety demonstration, well apparently he not only remembered but sang it. This is the guy with the Michael Jackson gold glove on. I dunno, I’m starting to think I should go with Night of the Lady Sheets. There really are a lot of lady sheets this year. The singer just started flirting with his chick drummer and back-up singer. What a manwhore! The red mohawked MC just did the splits! Pretty sure he didn’t do this last time. The fireworks are going off, Maltese Chromeo is still kicking on in the background. Good work Malta. Still loving France the most.

Macedonia up next! I like this one (not as much as France but it’s great, she kills this). Julia says they did meet up and have a great time. Julia, let’s meet up and have a great time! I love this Macedonian lady though, she really does look like she’d be great on a night out on the town. I’d forgotten about the electric cello. It’s a pretty awesome electric cello and being played by a girl in a tiny little black dress with gorgeous hair. Vest guitar solo! Go Macedonia! She is probably the only woman of a certain age dressed appropriately tonight.

Jedward next. Bring the bonkers Jedward! Sam says he started following them on Twitter and it’s one of the big four mistakes of his life. There they are, dressed like robot knights, bopping like total lunatics. Get some dance lessons Jedward, honestly. It’d do you the world of good. Rick has just said ‘They’re… fricking power rangers’. Yes. Very yes. I am so thrilled by the fountain being on stage. I love it when they stretch the boundaries of practicality. More lame jumping and bouncing. These guys come from the land of riverdancing, they should be ashamed. Feel the russsssh. Still so lame and awesome the second time around. Awww they made a heart out of their hands. That’s new! Little lame flips and shit now. Oh Jedward. They are so into themselves and hilariously oblivious.

Serbia up next. Apparently they are one of the favourites. I didn’t remember who it was to begin with. It’s the dude for the mums with Andre Rieu DVDs. He’s still got his t-shirt suit on. I’ve just noticed one of his fake instrument playing people isn’t wearing shoes with their dress shoes. Poor form pretend instrument player. Maybe the duelling violin girls make people like this song. It doesn’t really do it for me. I’m not fifty though so that might have something to do with it.

Oh my gosh, here comes theUkraineentry. I am not awake enough to cope with the energy of this song. She is berko this chick. Here come the fluro man dress dancers with their fake trumpets and their dub step. Every Eurovision they’re shufflin’. This song is just crazy. I can’t imagine it’ll win but it’s a bit of fun innit.

Indiana Colin Farrell is up next! Sam is explaining that this guy is trying to win a girl over with his trumpet but that’s not a euphemism. This isMoldova. He is indeed talking about his trumpet making the ladies hot. Hee hee. He’s doing this little arm waggling dance all ‘gimme gimme some trumpet’. This is so Eurovision. I’m loving it. Great final entry to keep us all awake and eager to hear the results. One of the girls just did the crappest cartwheel ever. Hopefully Jedward can hook her up later with some moves.

Oh, the host ladies have changed dresses. Spanx is back in something that needs Spanx but is a sort of weird white blue colour. Dommi is in beige. I am disappoint. Their hosting has gotten a lot better than the semi finals. PHEW.

Europe stop voting now! There is a son of Baku playing something very special. It’s the incredible… someone…. There’s glowing green pillars of light on stage. Apparently the interval act is the president’s son in law. Stay classy Azerbaijan. There’s drumming and sitar playing and people holding lit torches. They’ve managed to include some ladies with bedsheets playing violins! Lots of drumming and violins and supporting people but no actual dude yet. Where is this infamous son in law? It’s gone a bit Zion Matrixy with people dancing on stage to drums. The son in law is coming down from the sky with white lights all looking like an alien. He’s CHEWING GUM. Whut. He’s pretty cute! He looks like an assassin. Will he sing? Oh here he goes! He’s a microphone tapper. He is pretty confident, this dude. They are claiming him as the Azerbaijani Shannon Noll. No soul patch though!

He kissed his flag and then there’s flames. Light his fire!

Another dress change for Spanx. Hey, Jon Ola Sand is looking a little less nervous tonight. Here we go, take it away Spanx!

Hello Albania! Dude in a t-shirt suit. Eight to Macedonia. Ten to Turkey. Twelve to Greece?! Montenegro. Pretty lady in white dress (DRINK). Eight to Macedonia! Ten to Albania. Twelve tooooo Serbia. Hrm.

Romania next. Black dressed lady who looks like a white Fergie. Eight to Greece. Ten to Sweden. Twelve to Moldova. Ummm. Okay?

Austria! Eight to Albania. Ten to Serbia. Twelve to Sweden. Oooh. Ukraine. It’s Simon from Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Ukraine style. Eight to Moldova. Ten to Russia. RUSSSIAAAA. Twelve to Azerbaijan. Belarus. Eight to Lithuania. Go Donny! Ten to Ukraine. Twelve to Russia. Russsiiaaaaaa.

UK HAVE THEIR FIRST POINT! Already beating last year. Belgium give eight to Albania. Ten to Russia. Twelve to Sweden.

Azerbaijan. Eight to Malta. Ten to Russia. RUSSSIIIAAAAA. Twelve to Turkey.

Malta. Their host is sort of hitting on Spanx. Eight to Turkey. Ten to Italy. Twelve to Azerbaijan. Whaat.

San Marino. Eight to Moldova. Ten to Russia. Twelve to Albania. Shouting rat lady!

Oh it’s the Corsican French dude from last year. Eight toSerbia. Ten toEstonia. TwelveSweden!

United Kingdom. They are plugging the London Olympics. Eight to Spain. Ten to Ireland. Twelve to Sweden!

Turkey. Macedonia with eight. Bosnia ten. Twelve to Azerbaijan. Greece. Eight to Serbia. Ten to Albania. Twelve to Cyprus. Bosnia. That’s a mental outfit. Dude with a pencil moustache and a beret. Eight to Sweden. Ten to Serbia. Twelve to Macedonia. Moldova. White dress! Eight to Ukraine. Ten to Azerbaijan. Twelve to Romania. Bulgaria. She’s going to escalate our spirits. Err okay. Eight to Sweden. Ten to Azerbaijan. Twelve to Serbia.

Switzerland. They voted for France! Thanks Switzerland! Eight to Spain. Ten to Serbia. Twelve to Albania. Slovania. Scary lady, awful outfit. Eight to Russia. RUSSIIAAAA. Ten to Sweden. Twelve to Serbia. Cyprus now. Eight to Azerbaijan. Ten to Sweden. Twelve to Greece. Croatia. Ireland is beating France now. Boo. Macedonia gets eight points. Ten to Bosnia. Twelve to Serbia. 

Sweden, Serbia and Russia are in the lead at half time.

Dommi is torturingSwedenby telling her if voting had closed she would have won. I think she will though becauseScandinaviahasn’t put in their votes yet so they should clean up soon. Just as long asFrancedoesn’t come last.

UK is still on 1. Norway and Denmark on 0 still but as I said, no Scandinavians yet.

I am sad thatSerbiais beating the Russian disco oven.Franceis still ahead ofUK. Don’t come lastFrance, I am so sad for you because normally I hate you but this year you were amazing.NORWAYHAS POINTS!

Our first Scandinavian votes.Denmarkfinally has ONE point.UKofficially on the bottom. They voted forFrance! ThanksIceland. <3

Very nasal English accent from the Swedish person. They are bewildered. Me too. Holy shit,Swedendid not vote forDenmark. That’s a big deal. There’ll be a war over this.

France is now beating a real country. Phew. Hello Lithuania! They are adorable. I want to go to Lithuania to see all these cute little man children.

UK got five points!! They are still last though. Russia is nearly up to second place again. RUSSIAAAA.

More points toFrance!! AndUK!Norwayis now coming last.UKmust be excited to be off the bottom.Russiais back into second place!

Russia extend their second place lead. Lordi is doing the vote announcement for Finland. Fuck I love Finland. This is madness. Loving it.

Norway still on the bottom. France still beating some other countries. Donny just got 12 points!

Italy didn’t vote for Sweden at all. Harsh. Julia and Sam are speculating whether they will bring Abba out of retirement as it’s pretty clear Sweden have won.

Nooo, Denmark is now tied with France. Look I normally hate France but they were amazing this year.

Sam is impressed with the Israeli dude’s vest, tie and two microphones. Fight to the bottom betweenEnglandandNorwaytonight.Irelandvoted forEngland!!

Sweden first, Norway last. Ironically bookending the evening, as the same dude wrote both songs.

Dommi has kidnapped the Swedish girl who needs her hair cut. She took this seriously I think and is thrilled. Good for her!

Congrats to Melanie who gets her last chance to showcase her wind machine talents. I still didn’t figure out how they were doing that.

Great night!! Nothing too controversial, it was all a fun time. Cannot WAIT for next year. I am almost at the point where I’m going to start counting sleeps. 

We’re back at the harbour, it’s shiny, there’s Sam and Julia and a cup of tea on my coffee table. I am PUMPED. Light my fire, Eurovision!

Europickering is back and he appears to be wearing the same suit as last night. Spanx is in another topless number but it’s not completely skin tight so I can not accurately sketch her naked body from memory any longer. Just to give you some background on the dominatrix from last night, Dommi, her name is actually Nargiz is apparently a lawyer born in Baku (they evidently only ever had two celebrities born in Baku so had to scrape the barrel to get someone they could persuade to speak in French for them) is wearing something a little less insane tonight. I suspect both of these women are just biding their time for the final where they will wear things so stupid they will need people to carry them around.

I just stopped listening in order to explain Europickering to my husband, then looked back to see Nargiz offering to drive Leila (Spanx) home after the show. Now they are looking at each other meaningfully while Europickering smiles on oblivious. It’s okay, he’s probably got his cougar from last year keeping his bed warm right now.

Man these hosts are bad at this. I really hope they don’t embarrass themselves too much tomorrow night.

Serbia is first up. It’s Nije Ljubav Stvar by Željko Joksimović. I have gotten on board with all the accents on the letters of people by the way. It’s all European and rad. Very minimalist. Chick with a violin, dude with a piano, another dude with what looks like a clarinet, everyone is wearing black and looking serene. There’s a guy crouching in the background which was looks like a giant tambourine so I’m looking forward to seeing how that pans out. This is all serious and loving, sung by a man who would be quite popular with the women in the audience who own Andre Rieu DVDs. It’s in Serbian so I can’t comment on what he’s saying. We’ve now got duelling chicks with violins and the tambourine guy has started slapping his giant tambourine in the most meaningful way anyone ever could. This is a great Eurovision entry, when people are taking this shit seriously and singing something passionate in another language that hardly anyone in the audience can understand.

F.Y.R. Macedonia. Crno I Belo by Kaliopi (great name!). There’s an older woman in a black suit with a band behind her in darkness. She is basically the female equivalent of the last song. There’s even a chick with a violin, though instead of an oversized tambourine she has a drummer wearing a fedora. Oh I see why, it’s a bit rocky. There’s some big guitars and the violin is electric. This pretty much kills the Serbian entry dead for me. I hope this doesn’t start a border conflict. A young dude on lead guitar wearing a grey vest just did a guitar solo. There’s an electric cello. I’ve never seen anyone electrify a cello before. Love it. Thumbs up forMacedoniafrom me. Oh, bonus thumb for the random bling on her hand, ala Beyonce robot arm thing, though it sort of just looks like a paper spider has been stuck on with rubber band. Smaller budget than Beyonce I suppose.

TheNetherlandsis next. You and Me by Joan Franka. The stage is already on fire when they begin which is a big call. There’s a girl wearing a Native American headdress, playing an acoustic guitar singing a sort of American indie folk song. When I say the stage is on fire, it’s not just those jet things on the edges, it’s actual braziers dotted around the place. I was just wondering where her band was because before the postcard I’d seen six people waving, but on stage she’s alone except for one random in the background, but now they pan out I see they set the band up on the runway. Take that dudes from last night who cautiously edged out! The Netherlands STARTS on the runway and STARTS on fire! This has really lifted the bar. The song is in English but she has a very thick accent so it comes out quirky and cute. It’s a sweet little song, but my sweet little song didn’t make it in last night so I refuse to be charmed by this. She’s dressed, apart from the headdress, in a fairly reasonable dress. You could go to dinner in it, for example. It is not lingerie or haut couture. Good for her!

They just panned past her backup singer girl who is hidden off in the background wearing something I’d wear to work. This is a pretty calm, non-controversial song. I hope they make it through. People are waving balloons at them from the crowd for some reason. Sam thinks the headdress is the extra 10% that will get her over the line. I hope so. The sergeant pepper shoulders is probably what gotDenmarkthrough last night.

Number 4 for the night isMalta. This is the Night by Kurt Calleja. Oh I like it already. We’ve started with the singer bro-fisting their MC, who is wearing yellow pants and a fauxhawk. They’ve got a chick drummer which always wins points for me. One of the guitarists looks a little like the hottie from Chromeo. They are dressed pretty conservatively and belting out a dancey rock pop music in English. This should vote well, SURELY. The lead singer is also quite pretty. I’m assuming there will be fire towards the end because this is a boy band apart from the chick drummer. I think they needed leather pants somewhere but I can deal with the gold fingerless glove the singer is rocking as a consolation prize. Oh they just did some sliding dance moves. More bro-fisting! Where is the fireMalta? Don’t forget the last act started on fire. And no one has gone to the runway yet. Come on, don’t blow it. Hang on, the MC just did a forward flip over a guitarist. Oh they didn’t disappoint. The guitarist just edged on to the runway and they set off fireworks instead of a lick of flame. Now there are more sparky fireworks going off.

My recording is awful, but for some reason whenever Julia speaks the recording clears up. Spooky.

Belarus next. I love saying that word. Belarus! I feel like I’m speaking in French just by saying it. We are the Heroes by Litesound. Very boy band vibe going on here again. I hope a headdress isn’t the only weird thing that happens tonight. Oh wow. Their microphone stands are custom designed and bonkers. They also look like hot dancing gay boys. Everyone is rocking some serious haircuts here. The lead singer is dressed I something I think I saw Trent Reznor wear once in the 90s. Holy shit, they are on WIRES. The guitarists just all leaned slowly back as he was singing about knowing how to fly. They ended up with a giant fireworks explosion. What now Malta?? What now??

Backstage interviews. Julia is speaking to Melanie who is from Germany and is in charge of the WIND MACHINE. Of course it had to be German engineered. I hope she explains where the hell it is on stage. Melanie has seven years wind machine training. It shows Melanie. It shows.

They cut to a behind the scenes thing where the hosts, who look like normal people outside of the evening are running around giving out roses to the crew. That is sweet.

Okay singing again!Portugal. Vida Minha by Filipa Sousa. We’ve got a few older looking ladies supporting a younger lady in a very sparkly gold dress with a slit so high it makes Angelina Jolie’s leg sit up and take notice. The back-up singers are all a hundred years old and a bit into the pies so it sort of looks like a Portuguese version of Little Miss Sunshine and these are her family members supporting her on her Eurovision journey. Their background is a city landscape that appears to be on fire. There are zero props on stage. They are going for the ‘our song is great’ approach which I’m not sure will be enough because she doesn’t look like she’d put out.

Ukraine is up next. Be My Guest by Gaitana. It’s dancy and there’s props! Yesss. She just came out of some moving walls with LCD dancing back-up cyborgs on them. She is wearing a white dress (DRINK!) with tassels on it and a bunch of roses on her head. Her back-up people just jumped out from the walls momentarily, dressed in hypercoloured dresses. They are all men by the way. Now they are shuffling. I did wonder when shuffling would make it to Europe. It’s HERE. This is very dancey and busy so I can’t imagine it having much trouble making it through to the final. Oh wow, huge slit on her dress too. Her wall just closed up to look like a whole crowd of people on stage with her. This is pretty adorable. OH! Fireworks again! This is a serious pyrotechnic night tonight.

Bulgaria. Love Unlimited by Sofi Marinova. She’s completely alone on stage but to make up for this she’s wearing white with gold bangles and a gold belt AND gigantic THFM boots. I had been worried about the leg wear on the ladies this year as it’s been a little quiet in that department but this is great. It’s a dancey song which is surprising because normally that would require arbitrary back-up dancers dressed in weird outfits but she’s going it alone tonight. Good for her! Oh hell yes. She’s skipped the wind machine and gone straight to daisy wheel fireworks above her. This is a brave entry.

Slovenia up next. Verjamem by Eva Boto. Following on from the ‘bridesmaid dress’ evening of last night, all these girls are dressed like brides. One of her back-up singers has a veil on. She’s a very young very pretty girl, she’s microphone tapping and just winked at the camera (DRINK!). Her dress has flowers embroidered into it and is quite tasteful. She is going for the long hair out simple look. I’m wondering if this is going to have to resort to the wind machine and I’m right as a bunch of dresses just started flapping in the wind. Still have no idea how Melanie makes this magic happen. There is seriously nowhere anywhere near them that this wind can be coming out of. Is it invisible? Is there cloaking technology in the wind machine? Tell me your secrets Melanie!!

Oh right, the song. Yes it’s all powerful and whatever, there’s key changes, they are all wearing white and there’s wind. There’s at least five drinks in a Eurovision drinking game there for sure. It seems like a cert for moving into the finale.

I haven’t commented on the postcards tonight because they suck so hard this year but I was just captivated by one that was showing some really delicious food being prepared. It was like some sort of greek salad, taco and pomegranate looking thing. Julia just cut Sam off to comment on the food. I know right?? Julia, why aren’t we best friends? She even earlier talked about how you see a celebrity and you’re sure if you knew them they’d be friends. Sam said he felt that way about Julia and so do I so back off Sam. Julia and I are OTP.

Song 10 fromCroatiais Nebo by Nina Badrìć. I’d been sulking about a lack of character accents so far after my admission that I’ve gotten on board so I’m willing to judge Nina favourably just for having some kink in the end of her last name. Oh it’s one of those dresses that look like curtains or bed sheets have been attached to it. It’s black, which is disappointing because I can tell you from experience, black sheets are hard to keep black. There are two boy dancers who are so tall I initially thought they were on stilts. They are wearing black gumboot looking things and long skirts with slits in them. They just leaned up and appeared to mime trying to eat her cheeks off. Well okay, if you’re in to that sort of thing.

There are also three immobile female back-up singers wearing very puffy white dresses with black piping which I kind of dig and is a monochrome version of that outfit I loved from Georgia’s entry a few years back. Key changed are happening, it’s a power ballad, there’s lightning in her back screen thing. The back-up gumboot boys just picked up a giant white sheet which is blowing in the magic Eurovision wind. They are flapping it around and it’s all like.. artistic or whatever. Props for having something going on with this song.

Sam and Julia are talking about gloves and how many gloves there are this year. I’ve noticed that too and coupled with the moonwalking bagpiper I’m claiming this Eurovision as a Michael Jackson tribute.

Sweden, who is apparently the favourite this year. Not the Russian nannas? What?? Euphoria by Loreen. The stage is going berko with lights flickering around. The song is in English and the wind machine is already going hard. The crowd is already clapping and whooping and she’s hardly got going. She’s wearing a dress with a sort of light bathrobe over it so it’ll flap in the wind machine. Oh no, it’s actually a jumpsuit and she just did little jumps across the stage MC Hammer shitcatcher pants style. It’s a very poppy song that I could really see winning Eurovision, plus being in English people can actually understand the words, so I can see why she’s the favourite. I hope she picks a new outfit tomorrow night but apart from that she’s kicking arse. I’ve just realised she may or may not be Thomas Janeing it tonight with no shoes. Some fake snow just fell on her! Take that fireworks people, take that Jedward, she’s go SNOW. WHAT NOW? Oh, Feist style a man just emerged from her back and stated doing modern dance moves with her. Raaaaandom. Love it. He’s been into the pies and she does this sort of jumping thing that looked like she just kung fu kicked his arse because he fell to the ground. Sam asks if Swedish ninja are allowed on stage. For real, he appeared out of nowhere this dude. From her jumpsuit somehow I don’t know. Almost up there with wind machine magic.

Hey speaking ofGeorgia, they are up next. There’s some wrestling in this postcard and some funky man shoes. The postcards are improving. Julia says this next dude is a bit of an Angus Sampson lookalike. If anyone in the world needed a bit of Angus Sampson I can wholeheartedly agree that it should be Eurovision. I’m a Joker by Anri Jokhadze. Dude in a robe! It’s a red monk looking robe thing. He’s singing a tenor sort of situation and he’s started on the runway. I was about to say ‘surely notGeorgia, who are known for some pretty wild outfits and rock anthems aren’t going to go the snoozefest safe French route?’ but then it cuts back (the robe should have been a cue, I’m sure there’s something mad in there) and there are four back-up singer/dancing ladies on podiums dressed like extras from Suckerpunch. There’s also a piano and a giant drum there just as suggested props.

Flames are out! He’s banging his drum. He’s got platinum blonde hair and following the theme tonight of men in suits with t-shirts underneath, though his is black with silver sequins (OBVIOUSLY). This is SO Georgian. This is exactly what they do. Don’t ever changeGeorgia. Oh it’s gotten better. Another dancer has come out dressed like Jessie J with a giant bright red ponytail. And she’s a lame dancer too. Now he’s playing the piano while Georgian Jessie J gyrates around near his drum. I see where Julia is going with Angus Sampson but it’s nowhere near Europickering a comparison.

Turkey is next. Now I’m going to call this as a boy band rock anthem because if Georgia is going to be Georgia surely Turkey will be Turkey tonight. Julia tells a story about seeing one of the Turkish performers passed out drunk at the airport. Yesssss, don’t prove me wrong Turkey, come on. Love Me Back by Can Bonomo. Daisy wheels are out already. Whaaaaat. It’s ethnopop! (disco folk). It’s very very boy bandy. He’s dressed in a sort of boy band equivalent of a sailor outfit, complete with leather tuxedo with a striped t-shirt underneath. His back-up dancers are dressed in capes. They are all too old to be doing this and have some pretty serious facial hair. He’s singing in English and has a quirky sound to his voice not unlike a male Lena (who won a few years ago for Germany). This is not how Turkey normally roll. I am a bit sad about that but then the back-up dancers just connected up their capes into a boat, because he’s dressed like a sailor see? That was so rad.

Estonia now. Julia says he’s the Ronan Keating of Estonia. Sam asks if that means he’s wearing a vest. Apparently he IS wearing a vest. Lollerskates. Kuula by Ott Lepland. Oh he is quite a bit pretty, yes. And he is wearing a vest. He’s got a very weak moustache happening which is adorable. He’s standing there alone all vesty holding on to his microphone stand singing a pretty stock standard power ballad. It’s all dark apart from him but I can see his back-up singer hiding off in the background in a white dress (DRINK!). No fire yet, he must be saving it up for the key change. His voice is a bit like John Farnham for some reason. Random! No fire in the key change but the background TV thing did go a bit red. Still no stage effects at all. There are rose petals on his background. Yes that’s lovely but where are the fireworks and the water feature? Oh my god, he actually finished without a single explosion, though I did notice he was wearing red snakeskin shoes that whole time. Does that make up for it? I don’t know. Sam is still torn as to whether he was wearing a vest or a waistcoat. I am leaning towards waistcoat but I said vest earlier, I’ll stick with vest.

Julia is backstage interviewing someone who is a 80s rocker throwback. If he doesn’t sing Cherry Pie with leather fingerless gloves tonight then the world is a sadder place. Sam is interviewingLENA!!!!! Does he even need to introduce her? It’sLENA!! Julia is singing Whitesnake with European Jimmy Page.Lenais talking about owning a farm when she’s old. She’s miming milking cows and Sam is trying not to lose his shit. Estonian Ronan Keating has a really weird English accent. It’s sort of Australian crossed with Liverpudlian. Sam is trying to flirt withLena. Who wouldn’t?? I love youLena.

Slovakia. Don’t Close Your Eyes by Max Jason Mai. There has got to be some fire in this one surely. Lights flickering like mad, genuine Mohawk on the drums, shirt open, heavy rock going off. Giant amps, guitarist with dreadlocks, it’s all kicking off. This is what I’d expect from Turkey. Are they leather pants? I think just black jeans. He’s also got a giant set of chains hanging off his pocket, which is wise because if you were going to lose your wallet tonight it would be pretty hard to find it again in this huge crowd. I think he’s wearing two sets of fake dog tags. He’s got a weird look because he’s very young and quite pancaked in make-up, but is dressed like he thinks he’s Axl Rose. His pants are very low, but I was pre-warned by Julia about this so am not too alarmed. We can’t see any downstairs hair but I suspect that’s only because he’s gone the back, sack and crack because these are verrry low pants. He’s gone down the runway! No fire yet though. Whoa! He just finished the song with NO fireworks. Whaaaaat. There is no way he’s going through.

Song 16,Norway. Stay by Tooji. Peter Bostrom wrote this song and he also wrote the Swedish song. Hrmm. There’s smoke on the stage and a pretty boy in a hoodie and white leather bracelets. He looks sort of like a cross between Taylor Lautner and Ricky Martin. He’s got dancey back-up dancers but they are older and sort of into the pies. It’s a funny quirk of the Scandinavian countries. They really look like they just went down the pub and picked out a few volunteers to have a go at it. It’s a dance number and it’s boppy or whatever but it hasn’t started snowing yet so who cares. I am intrigued by this odd bit of hair coming out of his back pocket. It’s a little bit lock of hair as a trophy for a rapist for my mind. I am really not caring about this entry. I just paused it to make crumpets. They did have a bit of fireworks towards the end though.

Bosnia and Herzegovina. Korake Ti Znam by Maya Sar. We’ve got a girl at a piano. She appears to be alone unless she’s hiding a Swedish ninja in her dress. She’s got a proper Eurovision outfit on, even though he’s black, which has giant dinnerplate sized shoulderpads, sequins and some sort of boning in the arse area (not like that calm down). It’s a power ballad sort of thing as you’d expect from a girl alone on a piano. She’s got her long hair out which seems a waste because she’s at the piano and clearly not going to need the wind machine. Oh she’s getting up, she’s getting up! She is a giant and the shoulder pads are making her look even bigger. WIND MACHINE!!!

Lithuania. What is going on there. He’s wearing a sequined blindfold in the bit where they wave before  the postcard then go on stage. Oh I see. It’s called Love is Blind by Donny Montell. See, love is blind? So you need a blindfold to appreciate love? Last song of the night. There better be a working farm in the background with Lena milking cows to compete with the Jedward waterfall spectacle last night. Oh they’ve gone French this year with a fake blind manchild in a suit standing in some fog singing a serious love song, though it’s in English and France would never ever do that. The big news it that he’s wearing a collared shirt with his suit which is I think the first of the night, though there’s no tie. WHOA. He’s whipped off the blindfold, done a one handed cartwheel then whipped out some Michael Jackson dance moves. I’m telling you, tribute year this year!! It’s quite a boppy song now. He’s grooving along and is about twelve years old and adorable. I hope he makes it through so he can have a MJ dance off with the Swiss bagpiper. I should mention his TV in the background is showing silhouetted dancers on scaffolding. I guess androids don’t have OHS concerns.

Sam totally calls my early prediction by talking about Michael Jackson. It’s official now. Last year was year of the man fugs, this year is the MJ tribute special.

Annnnd we’re back to the hosts. Julia thinks Spanx looks like Penelope Cruz. Nooo, she’s too pretty to be Penelope Cruz. These hosts are awful. Poor things. We do a clip show of all the entries.Serbiathumbs down.Macedoniathumbs up. TheNetherlandsyes if only to compete withDenmark.Maltayes for the Chromeo look alike.Belarus– yes for the wire work and the cool mike stands.Portugalthumbs down to Little Miss Sunshine.Ukraineyes for the hot pink man dress.Bulgariathumbs down even though I love those white boots.Sloveniathumbs down to the brides.Croatiano, even though I liked the man skirts. Year of the man skirts maybe?Swedenyes because snow and stealth back-up dancer.Georgiabecause how could you not enjoyGeorgiabeing bonkers on the night.Turkey… oh do I like the cloth boat? Not sure. Indifferent to the sailor boy.Estoniayes so we can hear his weird accent in backstage interviews again. Maybe his moustache will have grown in tomorrow night.Slovakiayes because we need something a bit not pop on the night.Norwayno, too samey, although my crumpets were delicious. B & H. Thumbs down. Not as good at shouty ballads asMacedonia.Lithuaniayes for the MJ tribute appropriate act.

Julia is backstage getting some dance lessons from the Norwegian backup dancers. The Lithuanian guy says his influences are Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury. He is SINGING a MJ song now. If he doesn’t make it through to the final I am finding a pen to throw down on the ground because that would be a Eurovision crime.

Europickering was missing from the host announcement which I hope means he’s in the interval act. There’s a dude in a white suit, some ‘ethnopop’ backup people. Julia explains he’s the dude who won forRussia. Oh the one with an ice skater! Apparently he lost out to the nannas this year. Well obviously, they have a dance oven. Does he have a dance oven? No he has old dudes in velvet outfits with flutes. End of. OH WOW!! The Serbian winner is back all gorgeous and rocking some new tattoos. She is beautiful. Does this mean we’ll getLena? I am super nervous. The Serbian girl is super short. Now there’s a dude with a violin who is cute and wearing a white jacket with a grey t-shirt underneath. I think he’s fromNorwaybecause the Norwegians are creaming their pants over it. Yes that’s great butLena. Where isLena. She’s here!!! She’s singing Satellites in a see through black skirt. I love youLena!! Here we are!! It’s Europickering and his MILF holding hands. Not keeping his bed warm as I predicted earlier then. They are singingWaterloo, which apparently is what ABBA won with in 1974. Now they are all singingWaterloo. This is a fabulous interval act. Well doneAzerbaijan.

Okay voting. Blah blah top six countries blah blah who cares, who is in? Awkward Jon Ola Sand is here to tell us that they are allowed to tell us who is in now.Lithuania!!! MJ TRIBUTE INTACT! Sam wants to know if he’ll wear a hood for the final. Whaaaaat?Bosniaand Herz are in?? Must have been the shoulder pads.Serbiais next. Hmmm, okay.Ukraineis next, the hot pink man dresses lady.Swedenis next! She was beside herself so she is relieved now. Her ninja is with her. Awww. FYRMacedonia! Yay, she was great!Norwayis next. Ah well, I’ll get to have crumpets again tomorrow night.Estoniais next. The vest is LOCKED IN. Malta are in! They are flipping out! Julia and Sam thinkTurkeywill be last. Hmm I dunno. That would meanGeorgiaare out and that would be very sad. Europickering is back to announce it. It’sTurkey, the cloth boat people. Awwww. Well it was good to see the others who didn’t make it.

Tomorrow night is the big night! I’m going to try and watch live so it’s not all jittery and awful.

It’s not often that I feel as if a year drags on, but I definitely notice the wait between Eurovisions. I am so thrilled to bear witness to this spectacle once more.

I upskilled everyone on Eurovision at work today and we all looked up Azerbaijan on Google Maps and determined it’s pretty much the most unfortunate place to have a country on the planet so we feel sympathetic towards them. I also noticed that they are on theCaspian Seaso was hoping for a bit of a coastal vibe. I explained that all I could remember of the winning entry last year was a lot of white and a rather cougarish looking situation going on between the older lady and one of the younger men. I hope they perform again and we see how that relationship developed.

The opening has thrilled me as it’s on a harbour and there are fireworks on the water and it’s lovely.

We get the prerequisite ‘look how lovely our country is please be tourists here’ postcard then our first glimpse of the stage area. This is an interesting design as there appears to be a ramp running from the main stage to the area where the performers are seated. It’s all open, so that as the people are performing the other contestants will be able to practically make eye contact with them, depending on how good everyone’s eyesight is (not the Russians I’m thinking). There’s also a giant mirror on the ceiling, which adds that air of naughty trashiness to the affair which I think is a staple of Eurovision.

We have three hosts, a man and two women, as has become the norm in recent years. One of them looks completely sewn into her dress and as I pause the broadcast to type I can see her entire body shape underneath. She is totally into the Spanx tonight. The guy sort of looks like Charlie Pickering and there is another woman wearing red who looks like a stern dominatrix type. Goes well with the mirror ceiling thing. Excellent.

Europickering is shouting into his microphone, which appears to defeat the purpose of him having one. Hopefully they will iron out these sound problems for the final. The hosts introduce themselves but I don’t care what their names are because they are Spanx, Europickering and Dommie for me.

Julia TOTALLY steals my line, calling the host the Charlie Pickering ofAzerbaijan. I have a feeling this will be the first of many I know right?’s of the evening.

The hosts are bantering, but it’s the lame clunky banter that you’d expect and I love it all.

Montenegro is first up but we have to do some tourism first. Annoyingly SBS has a twitter feed going on the bottom of the screen which is a little disappointing because I like to feel as if Eurovision is just for me. It spoils it when I see other people are watching it too. Azerbaijan is apparently the land of oranges and blue water.

Euro Neuro by Rambo Amadeus, representingMontenegro. Well that sets the scene doesn’t it? Dude in a robe, Trojan war horse in the background. In classic Eurovision style they do a reveal and the reveal is jaw dropping. Rambo is a greasy dude in his forties who is rapping in thickly accented English while Slash’s grandfather plays a terribly bland guitar and that due who was the sidekick from Blade (we’re going to be naughty vampire gods, that guy) plays the drums. Wearing sunglasses obviously because the stage is dark and it’s night time. More synth. Three younger looking mafia thug looking dudes come out from behind the horse (not inside it, lame) and start doing some bee boy moves, Praise You Spike Jonze style. They roll out a long banner and I’m pretty sure the rapper just said he didn’t like snow peas. Me either! I will be appalled if this makes the final. It’s hilariously Eurovision but basically awful. Sam Pang was right in his commentary, if you’re new to Eurovision this is the best way to start.

Iceland is up next. There’s violins and pretty people. Never Forget by Greta Salome and Jonsi. I’m not doing the umlauts but this is Iceland so throw a few into those names okay? There’s a reasonably pretty blonde man who can’t do up ties to save himself. He’s totally scruffy. Surely someone could have helped him out here. Fold your collar down, you’re on international television. A blonde lady plays her violin. It’s sort of Irish ballad sounding, but one of those Eurovision ballads where the female singer is not dressed like a skank. She’s dressing in a black ballgown sort of situation. There are backup singers also in black and also dressed sensibly. In their background they have snow capped mountains. Come on Iceland, take a moment to break out of the stereotype. Surely there is something else going on in your country.

Greece next! More tourism shots of Azerbaijan. I’m pretty disappointed at how tame these have been so far. The in between bits are often my favourite and these are so who cares so far. Hopefully halfway through they will run out of scenery and have to focus on people doing weird things.

This isGreece. Aphrodisiac by Eleftheria Eleftheriou. No really. Oh good we’ve got a classic Eurovision entry which is a pop song sung by a lady who is old enough to know better than to dress like such a skank. There are four backup dancers, two boys, two girls, all dressed in really unflattering outfits that seem to be going with a bit of a toga theme. She is dressed in what can only be described as a tie-dyed shirt with a ruffle at the back. I refuse to acknowledge this is a dress. She is quite pretty and probably younger than she looks under all that make-up now I have a closer look at her. They have an oyster shell as their photo background. There was just some genuine microphone tapping. Oh no, this is one of those ones where they hide the backup singer in the dark off the side. Poor off to the side backup singer. She’s managed to get her gorgeous curly hair to blow around like it’s in a wind machine. Is that even possible? I can’t see one anywhere. There’s no box or anything the wind can be coming from. Such is the magic of Eurovision. They just kicked off with a bit of line dancing then the backup dancers picked her up like a cheerleader but she didn’t backflip off them. Where’s your commitmentGreece??

Little kids playing soccer in the tourism in between thingie. People jogging. Where are the old men base jumping off windmills? Boo postcard boo.

I should mention that before each song they do a shot of the outside of the stadium/hall thing which has a bazillion lights in a sort of rectangle shape that lights up with the flags of the countries performing. It’s an awesome effect and reminds me of the football stadium inMunichwhich glows the colours of the team playing.

Latvia – Beautiful Song by Anmary. Way to have tickets on yourself there Anmary (pronounced like Ann Marie by the way). Oh this is a bit random. Bit random, it’s Eurovision! you say? Indeed, what was I thinking. So we’ve got five women on stage who are all at least mid thirties standing around like they are on The View but someone stole their panel table thing. There is a gigantic blonde woman, at least five centimetres taller than anyone else but just large all over, who may be Anmary. Her ‘friends’ are fake listening to her song which is a story about how awesome she is at Eurovision. This is very presumptuous. These random thirtysomething friends cannot dance, but they roam around trying hard. I guess they have heard about the Russian babushkas and thought they might get in on this action. This song is really quite safe, even though she just name dropped Mick Jagger in it. Her hair just started blowing as well. There MUST be a wind machine somewhere. How are they doing this?? Do they crack open a window? What is going on?

We’re back to snow capped mountains in the tourism bit. People are riding horses. It’s polo. Who cares.

Albania. Suus – Rona Nishliu. Apparently going to be sung in Albanian. It’s one of those tender piano ballads. Oh dear, that was a bit weird on the eyes. As they zoomed in it looked like her face was where her neck should be and something was dreadfully wrong with her head, but I’ve realised what I thought was her head was actually a massive, massive hair bun thing. She… she could be wearing a cape here people. This outfit is a total disconnect from how the women who sing these sorts of songs dress. Tell me more Rona, I am listening. Oh, her hair has a tail! It’s… it’s a tail, I can’t explain it any other way. She has black spikey plastic/leather sideburns. This is such a Eurovision outfit, hopefully I can find a picture to explain because words are not enough. She is really belting this out. She sounds like Bjork a bit, in a good way, though at the moment she is just shouting in that way where you do a key change at the end and the Australian Idol studio audience cheers. Come on Albania, this is a world stage! Lift your game. Oh they have listened. Now there is smoke on the stage. She is shouting into her weird blue dress curtains. She is fairly upset about something but I don’t speak Albanian so I can’t give you much more than that.

Rona’s Hair Tail and Dress Curtains

Eee, backstage interviews! Sam is interviewing Rambo! Wash your hair Rambo. The Danish girl is adorable. Julia is speaking to her now. Her accent sounds a little Australian! Interesting. Julia is now interviewing the Icelandic guy who can’t do up his tie who is wearing a bowtie now that he can’t do up either. Sigh. He is quite pretty, surely he has someone to do this for him. Surely.

Romania now, after the postcard which is still boring. I am going to stop commenting on them until something actually happens.

Anyway.Romania. Zaleilah by Mandinga. There are people playing drums and in case we missed it the picture behind them is showing drums being played. No word of a lie, a man dressed all in white (DRINK!) just moonwalked across the stage playing bright red and gold bagpipes. He is also wearing white hipster glasses without any frames in. This… this is going to be magical. We’ve got a pretty girl singing her poppy song dressed like a skank (DRINK!). It’s more dress like than the shirt fromGreecebut I’d say is basically lingerie with some red material draped over the top. They started their wind off early to blow what little of her dress there is up for the people in the front row. There are dudes playing accordions and trumpets and things in the background. It’s pop folk music, that’s all I can say. She is singing in a mixture of Romanian and English but it’s mainly just ‘yay stuff yay flames off the sides of the stage’. There are now pink love hearts on the back picture thing and more drums. Now she’s sitting on a drum while a dude plays it. All the dudes are dressed in white, as well they should be. This is so Eurovision if this doesn’t make the final I will take my rage to the internet.

Switzerland is up next. Their outside flag looks awesome. Unbreakable by Sinplus. Oh it’s a boy band, I’m excited. There’s a hard man fauxhawk haircut looking guy in leather pants (DRINK!) who is trying to go for a Bono / Michael Hutchenson vibe but failing at both. He’s got a proper band like a pop rock thing much like Denmark did last year. There is a guy in what looks like grey leather pants on guitar with another pointy haircut bopping around. I’ve just noticed the lead singer has the thinnest possible piece of facial hair you can have before you’ve got to just call it a bit you missed while shaving. They just cut to an absolutely gorgeous female bass player who is dressed sort of gothic Lolita style and has gorgeous long hair and looks way too cool to be here tonight. More flames! No wind machine yet. The singer dude just edged towards the long runway thing on the side of the stage. It’s early days yet, someone will skateboard down that thing later.

Belgium next. I have to admit that some of the tweets SBS are showing are sort of excellent. Someone just tweeted ‘Switzerland, my ovaries just exploded’. I know right? I know. Julia just gave me a shout out there on my U2 comment. Thanks Julia. I am so sorry no one has ever asked you to marry them (as I learned from docu-stalking her on Agony Aunts).

OkayBelgium. Would you? by Iris. This looks like a girl singing a power ballad song. Oh she’s tiny! She looks about four years old. Her dress is short but not crazy, apart from when the lights are off and it’s completely see through but I don’t think she realises that happens and will probably be horrified when she watches the telecast later. This song is adorable. Every now and then in Eurovision someone sings a song that is too much like a real song to be on Eurovision and I think this might be one of them. I am completely smitten with Iris. She sounds like she’s singing on an anime soundtrack. She has bubbles as her backdrop AND no wind machine. This is a classy girl. She looks sort of like a cross between Natalie Portman and Anne Hathaway. She has darkened back-up singers but I totally forgive her because she’s adorable. Did I mention she’s dressed all in white? (DRINK!)

That song actually left me smiling. She’s lovely.

Finland next. It’s apparently going to be sung in Swedish because she’s from the Swedish part of Finland. There’s a Swedish part of Finland? Sure, okay. När jag blunder by Pernilla. I gave it its umlaut thing because otherwise it looks like I’m typoing. Oh I wasn’t expecting this. Reasonably young dude on a cello. Pretty, whimsical looking girl singing in a green bed sheet. It’s a slow song by the looks of things but not slow and adorable like Iris. She’s got the wind machine out to flap her bed sheet around. It’s just her and the cellist. They appear to be relying on the song being great enough to carry them but I can’t understand it so I can’t buy into it. Sounds nice but they are so wholesome this is probably a Christian love ballad to Jesus. Though she did say something close to ‘Allah’ just then so I might be on the wrong religion there. What is the main religion of the Swedish part of Finland? I would have assumed ‘vodka’.

Israel next. Time by Izabo. There is a giant alarm clock on their back screen. Because it’s called TIME see? Right? With me? Okay good. Oh… oh my gosh. This is going to be excellent. There is some seriously big hair going on now. It’s a sort of retro ‘Hey Mr Postman’ song going on with some dancers doing some go go dancing moves. One of them is wearing some seriously high pants. Basically everyone looks like they dropped acid before they devised this. There’s a couple of jewfros going on from the guitarists and a swarthy guy with a checked cravat on drums. This is madness, but a contained sort of quirky bonkers, that will hopefully carry them in to the final. They even threw in some pyrotechnics at the end AND the go go dancers just made out on stage. Love it!

This isSan Marinoat song number 11 (oh so quickly the time is going). The Social Network Song oh oh uh oh oh by Valentina Monetta. I have high hopes for this being mortifyingly awesome going on the name alone. This better get some wind machine, that’s all I’m saying. I just burst out laughing. This is ridonkulous. It’s themed and so painfully so, it’s worse thanIsraeland their clocks. There are people dressed up in uniforms with technological devices. The singer is dressed like a baggy Madonna with a long blonde ponytail. She’s wearing blue leather pants, yes that’s right, with some fairly try hard dance moves that are way younger than she is. This is definitely one of those awkward songs. It appears to be about cybersex. As she sings there’s a laptop on screen that she’s pretending to type on, in case you missed the part about this being about the internet. Oh dear, Valentina… you need a friend to help you not make these decisions for your career. There’s a woman in the background with a guitar she is “playing” in that her hand has not moved to another chord the entire time but she’s strumming away like this means something. The cheerleader is at least 32 years old. I guess the teenagers ofSan Marinoare too busy sexting to be back-up dancers for Eurovision.

Cyprus with La La Love by Ivi Adamou. Song 12. Okay, we’ve got some props on stage, FINALLY! I thought the fake Trojan horse might have been in this year. It’s a little podium thing that appears to be made out of books but they could be fake stonework. This is a generic pop dance track with a pretty gigantic young lady with curly black hair. They’ve missed their chance to go totally bonkers and are wearing beige. The Go Fug Yourself girls would be devastated. The back-up dancers are wearing tiny beige dresses with ugly pink leather belts, white knee high socks and open toed high heels. The fashion crimes here are magnificent. They are trying to go for a Beyonce dancing in high heels situation but are smart enough not to do anything too brave in their gigantic spikey shoes. She looks like she’s really enjoying herself though so that’s nice. I’m sure this will make it through, particularly as they kicked off with the wind machine towards the end.

Denmaaaaaaark. I should warn my love forDenmarkmay forgive them anything so I might be giving some biased commentary for this one. Should’ve Known Better by Soluna Samay. Yesssssss. There’s a rock chick drummer, a studded leather couch, a guy in a jumper in a baseball cap on a cello and the singer, Soluna, is wearing Sergeant Pepper sleeves with no shirt underneath, a large arm tattoo and a giant sailor captain hat. There’s also a piano back there somewhere and a rock chick on a double bass. There’s been some microphone tapping in the background from the backup singer on the couch. Now I can say that I don’t think this song will win but it actually could have with some better stage furnishings. I’m not dissing on the couch here, it looks quite comfortable, but there’s a very disjointed group of people here and the song is lovely but there’s too much going on the stage that isn’t either themed bewilderingly tacky or sedately sincere try hardedness. She’s gone for quirky but fallen far short of Zooey Deschenal and landed in Avril Lavigne. The song is nice, she is very pretty and everyone is Danish so clearly awesome, but this song has not been given the right chance. The background they are using is sunflowers and a sort of dark sunset thing. This looks more like a jam session and less like a performance. Especially as someone has just broken out a xylophone. I feel sad for her song being given the right chance here. Theme your outfits at least guys. Come on.

RUSSSIIIAAAAAAAAAA. I have been PUMPED about this for months. This is going to make up for their devastating performance at the Rugby Union World Cup. This is really the only way they could ever top that time they had an ice skater on stage. Party For Everybody by Buranovskiye Babushki. Props!! I think it’s a fake oven. Someone put something in it. The sbs banner is ruining my view of their funky old lady shoes. Oh my god this is the most amazing thing in the entire world. If you don’t google this right now I will defriend you. It’s a pop dance song, but halfRussia, half English, with their pizza oven rotating in the background. I am willing to go nightclubbing again for the first time in ten years if it means I get to dance to this song while drunk on Russian Imperial Vodka. Come on and dance! Boom boom! They are getting their bread out of their dance oven! Oh no they are pies. The super nanna is offering people pies. This is what Eurovision is all about. How can this not win.Russiayou are sneaky bastards and I love you.

Backstage interviews! Sam is interviewing an Austrian. Julia is meeting the Russian nannas. Based on these two Austrians I cannot wait to see what goes on with them. That looks worrying and amazing, much like last year’s entry with the giant dangerous shoes but for totally different reasons. Oh, there’s the U2 fauxhawk dude from earlier. I cannot even remember his country, sorry fauxhawk.Switzerland? Something to do with snow. Sam is asking him about his hair. Sam you are a sexy bitch. The nannas are singing for Julia and she is losing her mind.

Hungary next. Soooo sad about these postcards. Sound of our Hearts by Compact Disco. Presumably this will be a bunch of people too old to be doing this rapping to some synthesised heart monitors, right? Let’s see. Oh it’s a boy band song. I wasn’t expecting this. There’s an MC in the background with a hood but I don’t think it’s Rambo. This sounds like something Savage Garden could do. Their English is impeccable, you can’t even notice their accents. Very impressive. The MCs in the background are behaving as if this is dup step even though it’s Savage Garden. Points for enthusiasm though. No props, just the general older boy band look Eurovision goes for with dark clothes, leather pants, you know how it goes. Oh here comes the fire! If girls go for the wind machine the boys always go for the fire. The singer just walked down the runway a bit! No skateboard but he’s definitely well away on the runway. Good to see that gigantic piece of stage will be used for something.

Austria up next. I’m not going to tell you their name until the very last minute because you won’t believe it. Okay so this is Woki Mi Deim Popo by Trackshittaz. To give you an idea of how mad this song is, my husband just walked by and had to stop and watch it. This is crazy. There are three female dancers in tiny fluro yellow/green outfits dancing on poles. Yes, poles. Then there are the two Austrian boys who were interviewed by Sam earlier who are rapping. One of them just did some air spanking. The other one is doing pelvic thrusts ala LMFAO. Conversation that just happened: Me: Oh FINALLY. My husband: What? Me: Well we haven’t had anything glow in the dark yet.

Yes, that’s right, the fluro stripper girls have glowing tubes sewn into their dresses (I use dresses in the Eurovision sense, as these are basically lingerie) and the guys have glowing shoulder pads and thighs. They just ran down the runway, even though they are wearing skater shoes they did not take me up on my suggestion of skateboards. I will let them pass this time based on the trashy pole dancing, glow in the darkness and horrifying band name. Maybe I should have mentioned earlier that the boys references Lil Wayne and Eminem as their influences.

Moldova. Lăutar by Pasha Parfeny. I have never seen this type of a before. I had to really search through my character map to figure out what it was. Julia helps me out with a genre description. This is ‘ethnopop’. That’s what I’ve been calling disco folk music, but her description sounds better. So this is Moldovan Colin Farrell dressed like Han Solo, while girls dressed in peacock patterned dresses with weird boning. In the skirt of the dresses I mean, not as some sort of simulated sex act on stage. I think they all have gold tights on too or they’ve had some sort of serious leg burn accident. I am pretty sure one of the lyrics to this song was ‘this swamp makes you my girl’. Now there are girl dancers rocking on their stomaches in between the legs of Colin Solo and some other dancer girl dressed as a pink peacock box. Their dancing is so sincere yet so clunky. Oh they all danced down the runway. That was awful but amazing.

No WAY. Jedward are back? NO WAY. Ireland. Waterline by Jedward. I am PUMPED. Stage prop! (DRINK) Dressed like matching robot knights! (DRINK!) Pointless pop song! Bouncy twins! Winking and nodding at the camera! I just sprayed spit on my screen as I burst out laughing at their AWFUL dance moves. I had forgotten how bad Jedward are at dancing. OH MY GOD. I see why they picked this song to go last. I shit you not their stage just turned into a WATER FEATURE. There is now a fountain on stage. You thought Israel’s clock pictures were anvils for the song title, this song ‘Waterline’ has lines of water on the STAGE my friends. Drink until you DROP. I don’t care about the backup singers, nor do you so lets move on. They keep randomly jumping up like someone is pressing A on the controller in a load screen. They are now standing inside their water feature while it nearly rains on them. Feel the russsssh they sing while they get the flames going around the stage because they are boys and that’s what boys on stage are supposed to have, even if for four seconds in a song with its own water feature. The fountain is really kicking off now. They just ran under the water and got all wet.

Oh Charlie Pickering is back. I’d forgotten how awkward these hosts are. They should hang out with that social network singer. It’s this part of the show that drags on a bit but fortunately I taped this ahead of time and can fast forward. We get the clip show of all the songs. Rapper Rambo. Thumbs down.Iceland. Get a tie how-to video. Thumbs down.Greece. Get some clothes. Thumbs up if only to see her do some cheerleader moves.Latvia. Julia calls them canteen mums. Thumbs down. The angry Albanian tail lady. Thumbs up.Romania. Thumbs up for the moonwalking bagpiper.Switzerland. Fauxhawk guys. Ehhh. We do need some leather pants in the finale. Thumbs up.Belgium. Two thumbs up because Iris is adorable. Julia recommends a slip for her see through dress. I know right?Finland. Oh the green bed sheet woman not fromSweden. Thumbs down.Israel. Bonkers. Thumbs up.San Marino. Most embarrassing song ever. Two thumbs down.Cyprus. Thumbs up for the stage prop book thing.Denmark. Errgh. I want to like her but no. Thumbs down.Russia. Forty thumbs up, especially if they actually pass out pies during the finale.Hungary. Bland boy band song. Thumbs down.Austria. Thumbs up, just because the finale needs to deal with these pole dancing glow in the dark strippers.Moldova. Oh it’s hard not to like Colin Farrell Solo. Thumbs up.Ireland. Of COURSE, because water fountain on stage. Thumbs up!

I fast forwarded through all the voting junk but was glad to hit play just as Rambo was saying ‘I don’t suppose I have any friends inAustraliabut suppose I have one. Hello!’ Oh man, you’ve nearly won me over dude, you are a mad, mad man. Charlie is back. He’s so sincere! Is this really the kid that was Mrs Robinsoned last year? He’s got facial hair now, I don’t remember that. Okay, so who got in?

They are flashing lights over the waiting teams.Romaniais in. La Romanie! Oh the moonwalking bagpiper people.Moldovais in. Colin Solo! Sam is perplexed. I am not, he looks like Colin Farrell. What’s not to vote for.Icelandis in. STILL hasn’t fixed up his tie.Hungaryis in. Really? I am with Sam on this one. He is perplexed about everything though.Denmarkis in. Whaaaaat. Okay. It is a great song, just looks terrible. Only five left. I am terrified.Albania. Yay, shouting tail lady! Julia is saying this is a victory for the individual and not the pole dancing. There’s still room for pole dancing Julia, don’t crow too soon.Cyprusis in. That’s the book girl with the beige dresses. Only three left. Augh. IfIsraeldoesn’t make it I will be devastated. I have lost sound now on my terrible recording, but I can still see what’s going on, just can’t ‘I know right’ with Julia.Greecejust made it in. Of course, they have to, they areGreece. We need them for the big hair alone. Can’t have Eurovision without big hair. Two left.Russiais in! Babushkis are a lot more sedate in their victory. They are adorable. Who is last?Israel? Nooo Iris! Argh. Who? Whooooo? (Sound is back, phew). They are dragging this shit out. I am fast forwarding.Irelandare in. Jedward are losing their minds of course. They are jumping like total freaks and now doing cartwheels. No really. So that means BOTH my favourites didn’t make it in. If I had a pen I would throw it down in disgust.

I look forward to being appalled tomorrow night at the next semi final!

In my early twenties I took it upon myself to read some classics. I didn’t want to be one of those people who nodded in agreement when it came to classics, I wanted to have read them myself to understand their status and their power.

The Great Gatsby is a reasonably small book and when I got to the end I wondered if I’d skipped something because it just didn’t work for me. Looking back on it now I am willing to admit maybe I was too young to understand its message.

The struggle I’ve had with it mainly centres around Daisy. Daisy to me is about the most awful, uninteresting person I could possibly imagine. I do not understand her appeal enough to be the central cause of all the catastrophes that happen throughout the novel.

One thing I did like about Gatsby is that the narrator is a spectator and is not necessarily getting the full story. I like that as a concept and use it as often as I can in my own writing.

Anyway, getting back to the film, I could not have been less enthusiastic about Gatsby being made into a film. Knowing it was a Baz Luhrmann film started to win me around, if only to see Luhrmann recreate the 20s, my favourite period, in his special, fairytale way. Carey Mulligan also had me listening, as she totally captivated me in The Education and is in one of the only decent Doctor Who episodes of the rebooted series prior to Steven Moffat taking over as show-runner.

Seeing her in the trailer I posted below made me realise I could like Daisy. There’s something so forgivable about Carey Mulligan. If I see her playing such a repugnant character then perhaps I would give her a chance.

The only issue I do have is how distinctly recognisable the Sydney landscape is to me. It pulls me out of believing it’s America or even historical and that’s something I’d have to try and ‘play pretend’ about.

The soundtrack sounds divine so I am eager to listen to that some more too once it is released.

This might be one for my girl’s night at the movies sessions.

This film leaves Marathon Man for dead in terms of actual time on screen spent running. The thing is, as charming as Michael Fassbender is, he’s not conventionally handsome, so watching a weedy half-Irish lad running topless through the snow for an hour does tend to leave one weary for all the wrong reasons.

This is quite a blokey film, which is unsurprising as it’s the next Quite British film from Neil Marshall. Don’t get me wrong, Neil Marshall is charming to me in the way that Michael Bay is also charming to me but Zack Snyder is not. Michael Bay loves to blow shit up, Neil Marshall likes to have lads doing laddy things in laddy ways… while Zack Snyder faps away at his glossy highly stylised and glorified violence. Not cool Snyder.

Neil Marshall is also not adverse to an arse kicking lady lead and having her not be over sexed or totally devoted to a man or whatever. In Etain, the character played by Olga Kurylenko, he has that in spades. She’s cranky, she likes to stab people with a halberd (my favourite ye olde weapone of choice), she keeps putting toothpaste in her hair and she’s a bit racist against Italians. She even has a sidekick in angry lady with issues / toothpaste, whose name doesn’t get mentioned during the film but may or may not be called Druzilla.

The thing is though, even though they talk about Etain being a demon and use symbolism with wolves or whatever… she just doesn’t come across as that imposing. Beautiful, yes, cranky, yes, scary? Not really.

Then there’s Fassbender. Weird casting in this film I thought. Fassbender when he’s at his best is either a good guy who is also a bit of a dick, or a horrible person who can somehow persuade you that maybe what he’s up to isn’t so bad after all. In this he plays the hero and I kept waiting for the catch and it never came. He was nice to everyone, honourable, never left a man behind, was nice to lovely ladies he met in the woods… just a nice guy. Why would you waste your Fassbender on that?

The real winner in this film is Dominic West. He has gone from ‘the fuck did I do?’ McNulty to really owning the role of arse kicking bad arse fighting general of the Ninth Legion. He must have ate several other people to bulk up for the role and he does look absolutely huge, drunk and ready to chop the shit out of any Pict’s face that comes within a three metre perimeter of him and his mug of beer. He is fabulous and because he is fabulous it highlights how not as fabulous everyone else is.

There was some weird editing too which I always suspect happens when they’ve cut out subplots or changed the main plot in some way but couldn’t afford / organise a reshoot. There was a conversation where it cut away so abruptly I assumed we were going to a flashback that never happened. There was weirdly unnecessary narration that felt like an afterthought put in to explain bits to the audience that the film wasn’t getting across on its own.

The other problem is as I mentioned at the start. There is a lot of running in this film. He starts the film running, by the end of it he’s running on a horse but still, lots of running. There are some absurd bits in the middle where he’s hiding in between the running, but mainly it’s running.

The thing that saves the film is the gore though. This is that type of screen violence that is the most confronting because it feels the closest to what real combat might be like. There’s a scene where Dominic West is on a table and kicks a guy in the face in a way that looks horrifying but also feels like that’s what you’d do if you were on a table and you were a thousand pounds soaking wet and had a dude coming at you. People get their eyes gouged out, their faces mashed into trees and when their heads get chopped off sometimes it’s not a clean cut so it’s like most of the face with a bit of jaw left behind. It feels right though, it feels like what you’d do if you didn’t want to die and no one was taking photos of you.

It was also pretty clear to me towards the end that I would have failed to survive the running, as their diet consisted of raw mushrooms (gross), partially digested moss (grosser), deer blood (no thanks I’ll stick to water) and their ‘reward’ food was mushroom soup. Gross to the max.

I’d place this on the Neil Marshall scale in amongst Doomsday, the film where Rona Mitra had a detachable eye all Dark Crystal style and the plot was based around people getting the shits with how belligerent Scottish people are to the point they build a wall around them.

Next film in the queue: CRAZY CAGE SPECIAL: Bangkok Dangerous

There was cause for celebration in my household last night when we joined in with mainstream culture by watching the last of the Harry Potter films. We’ve now seen them all and because we’ve also seen Twilight, have decided that we are hip and not hipsters.

This was certainly a film more for my husband than me because it was all pew pew magic use and explosions and things. I have never particularly been a fan of magic users (yeah that’s right Ice King, I said it) so this was a bit too heavy on the shouting out of pig latin while waving sticks at each other for my liking.

I felt that the film built the tension well and you got a sense that this really was a war and it really mattered – as opposed to the recently watched Voyage of the Dawn Treader which was not able to capitalise on that at all. The plot progression was a bit puzzling for me and the scene at the end in Harry’s pretend train station limbo thing was quite an odd one, though I checked the plot of the book on Wikipedia just before and it seems like the conversation in the book is a little more helpful and probably should have stayed in the film as is instead of the oblique reasonably pointless one that happens in the film. If you’re at the point of  your story arc where you are giving away all the secret plot elements, just give them away, don’t stand around being cryptic at the end. The end is not the time to be cryptic.

One thing I have noticed in Potter films and was quite noticeable in this one is that when someone dies they don’t dwell on it. I wonder if this is a deliberate choice on the part of the filmmakers or the author to be appropriate for a younger audience. When someone dies it’s like ‘blam dead cut to next scene’. There’s no ‘nooooo’ to the sky or time spent dwelling on their grief or delighting in the victory of a fallen enemy. Occasionally a corpse gets a little pat on the head and that’s it, on to the next thing.

In this film with such high stakes it felt like not much of a send off was given to anyone apart from Snape, who I suppose as the secret hero of the series probably deserved it more than anyone else (still can’t get over that dude’s hair, sorry, invest in some magic shampoo, seriously, Siriusly even, ha ha see what I did there).

I did also have a small challenge to contend with in that the only preview of this film I’d seen was the extended cut of Voldemort hugging Draco that was posted on Facebook so that scene was all wrong and broken for me in the best of ways. It was hard to take Voldemort seriously when he was moaning at Draco for thirty seconds in my head.

Overall I think this was a high quality film, but the substance of it didn’t interest me in particular. I am certainly not its intended audience. Of all the films in the series I think I prefer the Deathly Hallows Part 1 the most because it was the first to make me actually care about any of the characters, in that it was the Hermoine Road Show of Magnificence where she heroically drags her dopey arsed friends around and goes through some pretty awful shit but takes it all in her stride.

I did note also that the women in this series are treated particularly well. Perhaps this is the result of a female author of the series. It was apparent to me when Draco and the rest of the Malfoys were running away at the end fight how Draco’s dad was all falling apart and looking crappy while Draco’s mum had kept her shit completely together and at one point earlier had the balls to secretly defy Voldemort while he was only a few metres away from her. The mums in this series are pretty rad mums, Hermoine and Ginny included. Speaking of rad mums….

Next film in the queue: Salt

I feel quite sad about this film. It seemed to have the right cast in it, the right look about it, etc, but there was just no soul in this film. It’s like someone has read the book and is telling a friend about it, so you get the plot of the book but without any of the thrills or emotions behind it.

It very much plods along in a disjointed fashion with some fairly abrupt editing. It’s more like a trailer for a film than a film itself. Two characters stand in a room and talk for two or three lines, then they cut to another scene where two characters talk for two or three lines, then they cut away again.

Example just then: dragon gets hit with a sword and flies off. Cut to Lucy saying ‘Aslan please help us’ cut to the sky, bolt of light, cut immediately to the dragon landing on an island, cut back to the creature they are fighting, cut to Lucy hiding a girl in a cabin. A lot just happened but nothing was allowed to happen, so there’s no sense of continuity.

It feels like too much focus was put on the chronological order of things and not enough on letting a story play out then cutting to another story happening. This is possibly down to the clunky way the story has been adapted. Presumably for length they snipped things down, so it’s just ‘hi island okay bye’ and then things are in a weird order and Eustace stays a dragon for a really long time and it’s all rather odd. Then at the end it’s sort of as an afterthought that Reepicheep is left behind, even though I remember when reading the book as a child being distraught the closer they got to the end of the world because I knew Reepicheep was going to commit suicide.

I think it could have been more watchable if they’d cut entire sections out rather than trying to fit in most of the things but then only do them half arsed.

No one has the opportunity to develop as a character. There are quite a few characters in this, but because all of them get a chance to do things, no one has a chance to shine. Well, apart from SWINTON who has a small cameo and is fabulous as always.

Ben Barnes is charming and adorable as Caspian and gives these heroic speeches to people only to have any impact completely ruined by the weird editing. Gary Sweet stands around shouting orders at his crew and generally being a bald embodiment of a sat nav. Simon Pegg has a weird accent and although he does a good job as Reepicheep I’m not sure why they needed Simon Pegg to play him, if that makes sense. Though if you’ve got Liam Neeson and Tilda Swinton on board, why not have Simon Pegg as Reepicheep.

The set pieces are also very childish. The armour, swords, ship, they all look like set pieces. Edmund receives a sword at one point and you can almost hear the clunk of the plastic as he holds it. Awkward.

I think the best part about the film was the old school animation during the closing credits. The worst part was towards the end when they went with the religious message that I think we all could have done without.

All in all a pretty disappointing adaptation of something rather exciting. Maybe they shouldn’t have done Voyage and jumped back to Magician’s Nephew. That could have been exciting plus also a lot more Swinton and less characters to jumble together. Also Strawberry would have been in it, who is my favourite character of all the Narnia series, being a horse drawing a carriage in England who is transported to Narnia and given the gift of flight. Strawberry is a pretty rad horse.

Ah well.

Next film in the queue: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two

Finnish people are bonkers.

Next film in the queue: Voyage of the Dawn Treader

As a fan of A History of Violence and Eastern Promises, I was excited to have the opportunity to see this film as part of the Cronenberg / Mortensen trilogy. The main things you need to know about Cronenberg / Mortensen films are that they will be filled with characters given pitiless portrayals and that there is likely to be an uncomfortable, unappealing sex scene.

This film has both in spades. Mortensen is transformed into this man who is charming yet somehow awful, playing father figure to a charming, hilariously self-absorbed man played by Michael Fassbender. I laughed aloud several times when Jung got cross and put his hands on his hips but had to flip out his immaculate little Edwardian waistcoat thing all ‘hrmp’. It’s just so cute. He was so utterly neat and tidy and obliviously full of himself. Really given the Cronenberg treatment in terms of scathing personality portrayal.

Kiera Knightley was probably the variable in this film. It would be a tough role for anyone to play and there was a lot of physical acting required at the start of the film for her to demonstrate how bonkers she was. It also required a lot of her as an actress to go there, like talking about how she’d felt a creepy imaginary mollusc on her back while masturbating and later being half naked with her scrawny no-boobs out in the obligatory uncomfortable masochistic sex scene.

I have to admire her courage in playing this role, but seriously it’s a Cronenberg / Mortensen film, why would you not want to be in that, but anyway, she’s sort of… I think you either like her or you don’t. I haven’t ever particularly thought ‘oh how charming’ in anything she’s ever been in. I see other people get her but I don’t. She’s like Emily Deschenal. You can have characters talk all day long about how pretty she is but to me she’s just really not. Same with this character. I am sure she was captivating but she just didn’t do it for me. I was happy to go along with it though to further the film.

Jung’s wife, played by Sarah Gadon, was luminous. She was this serene, blonde, blue eyed creature. Fabulously wealthy, totally gorgeous and completely insecure about her relationship and worried that she was a shit wife and that her husband hated her. She was pretty much the most perfect person on the planet and sort of stood around being gorgeous and worrying about the most off base stuff like ‘oh god my husband is having an affair because I had a girl instead of a boy’. Lady he’s not Henry VIII, he’s not being a spaz because you had a girl. He’s being a spaz because he’s an arsehole.

I am delighted to see Cronenberg has added her to his stable and that she’ll be in his next (VIGGO FREE WHUT) film.

Speaking of the Cronenberg stable, Vincent Cassel showed up in the middle when I was least expecting him playing this hilariously awful but a little bit charming dude. Perfect casting for the role. He was a great little palate cleanser in the middle of a dense film.

In closing, if you haven’t seen A History of Violence or Eastern Promises you will probably not really get a lot out of this film. That’s not to take away from the fact that it’s beautifully shot, acted and it’s as well edited as it can be considering this is an historical film so sometimes they jump to locations where it’s hard to tell where they are and what they are doing unless you have Wikipedia open to figure out who all these people are and why they are all in a room looking significantly at each other.

I loved it because it is just another delightful edition to this collaboration that I think shits all overBurton/ Depp. These men make these films that cut deep into human nature and expose the good and the bad in their characters. There’s not often a hero that we rally behind so much as the guy who is the least biggest arsehole that you sort of hope dies last.

Final comment: if you are going to break up with your girlfriend, SHUT THE DOOR TO HER FLAT WHEN YOU TURN UP TO BREAK THE NEWS. How could Jung be surprised that everyone knew about his affair if he kept rocking up at her flat and professing his shag problems with the door wide open all the time.

Next film in the queue: CaptainAmerica